“Put yourself out there” they say. “Your dream guy isn’t going to just knock on your door and sweep you off your feet” blah blah blah. As much as I wished for that not to be true,”they” were right. These are the pieces of advice I pondered while trying to decide if I wanted to delve into the world of online dating. This was a decision that I found myself wrestling more and more with as a single mother who desired marriage. All the horror stories I had heard through various sources played like a record in my head as I struggled to figure out if this was a route I was willing to explore to find love. I had so much more to consider now that my son was in the picture.
Being a believer in Christ, I also struggled with the idea that maybe I didn’t have enough faith that God could unite me with a spouse in other ways and that maybe I was taking things into my own hands by exploring online dating. But, after prayer and speaking with several people who had experienced success, I decided to venture into the world of online dating for myself.
While I haven’t met “the one”…YET, I do have lots of advice I can share:
Take it slow! Save yourself time and disappointment by actually getting to know some key things about the other person without putting everything you have out there. Don’t tell them everything before you even get to meet them in person. You run the risk of getting too attached, only to find out you don’t have that same spark in person. Also, if it doesn’t work out you don’t want them knowing intimate details about you that could be used against you.
Talk to an experienced friend. Talk to someone with experience in online dating. They can give you advice on “online etiquette” and help you avoid pitfalls on your journey. My ex who I am still good friends with has been my unofficial online dating “coach”. He has proven to be very helpful in navigating this world that is so foreign to me. So if you know someone who has met their significant other online, reach out to them and I’m sure they will be more than happy to tell you about their experience.
Talk to multiple people. Not gonna lie, it felt weird to me at first to talk to more than one person at a time. But you have to put your feelers out there and see who people are. You don’t want to waste your time getting to know just one person and it not work out and in the meantime you’ve past up other people with potential. Everyone is talking to everyone. It’s just a part of the game, so don’t sell yourself short by trying to commit too soon. Of course you have to have BALANCE and not go crazy trying to talk to everyone who messages you. Pick about 3 people you may genuinely be interested on go from there.
You don’t have to respond to every inbox. If you do, you will be overwhelmed. As I just said, everybody is talking to multiple people. Don’t feel like just because they messaged you, you have to respond. Guys have so many girls to choose from and are “shooting their shot” to see who will respond. You are not going to hurt their feelings by not responding. You can respond if you would like, but don’t feel obligated to do so. I usually only respond to people I feel I would be interested in. If I responded to every single inbox, it would take too much of my time–time I could be spending getting to know someone I’m truly interested in.
Look for full body pics. Not to sound shallow, but physical chemistry definitely matters. Guys aren’t the only ones who are visual creatures. Women want to date someone they are attracted to as well! My one and only date (so far) was a fail because I allowed myself to connect with a picture only to find out that in person I could not see myself romantically attracted to him. This was a major learning lesson. Had I seen the full picture before, I could have avoided wasting my time and his.
Try to meet asap after engaging the person. Now don’t go meeting up with random guys based off looks alone. But after a couple days of chatting and getting to know each other it’s important to meet with this person to see the type of chemistry you guys have in person. A person can be totally different online versus in person. You want to make sure that the chemistry is there before you start talking about what your future holds. Better to find out of the way sooner than later if you all have that same spark in person that you do online. If things don’t happen to work out, then you will not have wasted valuable time.
Look for quality matches. Looks are not everything. I have been messaged by men who I have found attractive, but when I read what they are about, it is an instant turn off. Know what your deal breakers are and keep them in mind when considering getting to know someone better. A lot of times I don’t even bother engaging a guy if he hasn’t taken the time to put anything about himself in his profile. If they can’t take the time to put something thoughtful in their profile, I don’t even waste my time. Also, if our basic beliefs don’t align, then I instantly count them out.
Not everyone reads your profile. You can put so many great things about yourself on your profile and some people will never know because a lot of men tend to stop at your picture and go straight to your inbox. My advice is to keep it short and sweet. Stick to the basics; number of children, belief system, and short description of what you’re looking for. If you write a novel, don’t be surprised if no one reads it.
Learn where the block feature is. Things got weird really quickly for me when this guy I was getting to know started acting “stalkerish”. The app had a feature where you could call the other person and he wanted to call me. I told him I wasn’t interested and he proceeded to call me back to back! This was my first time using this app so I was very panicked when I couldn’t find the block button. When I finally found it, I blocked him with the quickness! Ain’t nobody got time for that! So be sure you are familiar with where the block feature is in case you come across weirdos like I did, smh!
Look at their other social media. Some people will leave their social media information on their profile, so take advantage of that so you can have more insight into their personality. See what types of things they post about. You will learn a lot by what people choose to share with the world, so make it work for you.
Read their profile! Don’t be one of those people who go off of looks alone and not read their profile. I have learned a lot by just reading what people write about themselves. Some don’t believe in God, which for me is a deal breaker. Some people are just looking to “have fun”, and some may have just gotten out of a long relationship and simply just looking for friends. Be sure before you engage in conversation with the person that you are good with the information they have posted.
Know when to take a break. Online dating can be tiresome and very frustrating at times. If you do it long enough, you will find yourself wanting to pull away for a little bit. Don’t be afraid to delete the app and come back to it at a later time. You don’t want to become obsessed with it to where all you are doing to swiping and desperately checking your phone anytime you get a notification. Remember to enjoy the life around you!
Don’t be afraid to unmatch. Some men have so many women they are talking to that they are slow to respond after matching with you. I personally feel that if I match with someone and they don’t take the initiative to reach out to me within a few days, they are not interested. I don’t want to get to know someone who is not making it a priority to get to know me. If he is serious about you, he will reach out before someone else snatches you up.
Know your deal breakers. I’ve mentioned this before, but to reiterate, know what you want up front and you can sift through a lot faster which leads you closer to someone who will potentially be a match for you.
Let someone you trust know where your date will be. If you are fortunate enough to find someone you are interested in and it leads to a date, please! please! please! let someone know where you will be going. This is for your own safety. Don’t be ashamed to say you met the person online. Better safe than sorry. Ya’ll know there’s a lot of crazies out there so get your plan together before making your plans official.
You’re going to see people you know. Unfortunately the awkward moment will arise where you will see your coworkers, church members, and exes on the same app you are on. We all out here tryin’ to find love, lol. So don’t be surprised if you see a familiar face and know that it’s very likely that if you’ve seen them online, they’ve seen you too. Don’t make it more weird than it has to be. This is what the dating scene has come to so get over it and don’t let that stop your from putting yourself out there.
Now that I have given online dating a try, I can say that it is definitely good a tool to have at your disposal to increase your chances of making a connection. And while it can be pretty shallow, don’t give up on making a quality connection that can lead to the relationship you are searching for. Armed with these tips, you’ll already have a head start on finding “the one”.
Have you tried online dating? If so, what site did you found success on? Asking for myself…lol