When people hear the word “Narcissist”, they typically think of someone who is a self-absorbed jerk who annoys people with their inflated sense of superiority to others. While this may one of many characteristics that describe a narcissist, these characteristics only scratch the surface of what narcissism really is. So, what is a narcissist? According to the Mayo Clinic, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. Because of the nature of this disorder, a lot of narcissists go undiagnosed. Narcissists rarely, if ever, take responsibility for their behavior and therefore do not seek treatment.
People, like myself, who have been in relationships with a narcissist will tell you time and time again how devastating and confusing it can be to be with someone with this personality disorder. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can take years to recover from, especially if you are unaware that you are dealing with one. While this is not an extensive list, I will be discussing the signs that can potentially help you identify a narcissist to prevent being caught in their web of deception.
Moves way too fast
A narcissist will try his best to hook you from the very beginning. They will charm you in any way they know how. On the surface they’ll seem “different” and your experience with them will be like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. They will have you so enamored with the person they present to you that you fall for them pretty instantly. This stage is referred to as the “love bombing” stage. And although your gut may tell you that something isn’t quite right, you’ll probably write it off as a personality quirk or due to the fact that they’re “different” from anyone else you’ve dated. They will go above and beyond to show you how special you are and place you on a pedestal. Before long you will be hooked on all the attention they give you and you will fully commit yourself to them. Once the narc see’s they’ve got you hooked…their mask falls off and they can start being the person they really are. The roles will be reversed and now they will depend on you to supply their endless need for love and attention.
Isolates you
The narcissist will slowly try to remove you from your support system so that you will be dependent on him for everything. If he knows you are close to your mother or if you have a best friend you confide in, he will try his best to turn you against them. He may use negative things you have said about them to try to get you to see them in a negative light. He may suggest you stop going to them so much with your problems and that you need to keep your relationship with him between you and him only. If you’re not living with him already, he will likely suggest for the two of you to move in together. This is so he can have you all to himself to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do. And with your support system out of the picture, he is free to continue the manipulation process.
Hypocrite
Everything thing you do is subject to criticism, even if he does the exact thing you did! When you do it, it’s unacceptable, but when he does it, its “different”. There’s always a double standard. I remember when me and my ex were first getting to know each other, we had gone to get something to eat. I had a lemonade with my order and I had looked down for a moment and when I looked back up, I saw that he had drank some of my lemonade without my permission! It freaked me out that he would do that not knowing that much about me. When I confronted him about it, he admitted he had done it. I was very much thrown of by this and went to get a new straw. Fast forward to maybe a year after we had been dating; we were at my now brother in law’s house celebrating an occasion and everyone was taking shots. My brother in law wanted me to try his shot, so I drank it from his shot glass. After we left the party, my ex started an argument with me all over me drinking out of my brother in laws shot glass. When I reminded him about how he did the same thing to me, he says it was “different” because he knew all along I would be his girl. Really dude?! Bye!
Unhealthy Jealousy
They will be suspicious of everything you do until it turns into an obsession. They’re always wondering if you’re cheating on them and will convince themselves you are even with no evidence. They do this because all along THEY are the guilty ones, and they are projecting their guilt onto you. They want you busy defending yourself against false accusations so that the heat if off of them and onto you. So pretty much whatever the narcissist is accusing you of, they are likely doing it themselves. My ex went through so much trouble to try to convince himself that I was cheating that he downloaded an app to change his number and pretended to be a friend of mine whom he suspected I cheated with. When I finally figured out that the texts were really coming from him and not my friend, my real friend called my ex with me on the line on mute and they exchanged words. When my ex found out I was on the line he acted like he didn’t care and then he got mad at me saying that I should have been on his side. Talk about crazy!
No Remorse
Narcissists do NOT care about your feelings. In the beginning they may act like they care about you to get you to confide in them, but if anything, they will just file this away to use against you later in their manipulation tactics. They don’t feel bad about the things they do to you, in fact, they don’t truly feel at all. It is simply a mimicry of emotion that they have practiced and perfected over time in order to appear to have some form of emotional intelligence. Narcissists are master manipulators and they know strategically how to use emotions of others to their advantage. This is why it is important to be very selective about the information your reveal about yourself at the beginning of your relationship. If you are dealing with a narcissists, anything you say can and will be used against you!
Constant chaos
Narcissists THRIVE off of constant drama; they have to have it. Even if everything is going perfectly in your relationship with them, they will find a way to cause chaos. They play off of any energy they can get from you whether positive or negative. In the world of NPD this is called narcissistic “supply” or “fuel.” If I went more than 2 weeks without any drama in my past relationship with a narcissist, I would get anxious in anticipation of the next argument or accusation. Walking on eggshells was something that was a common theme in our relationship. If you find yourself arguing over trivial matters time and time again, this may be a clue that you are dealing with narcissist.
Never Satisfied
If they are always complaining about the things you do and things you should improve about yourself, this could also be a red flag. If you find yourself constantly feeling pressured directly or indirectly to change characteristics that define you as a person, be very wary! I was once told in so many words to tone down my happiness because I was “rubbing it in other people’s faces” (his family members). Huh??? That was a new one to me! Why wouldn’t you want the person you love to be happy?! Serious red flag right there. Now, everyone has things about themselves that they can stand to improve, but these changes shouldn’t be to the point that it completely changes who you are as a person. If you realize you are losing yourself in your relationship, take a moment to remind yourself of your core values and challenge any threats to that, the biggest one being the narcissist.
As I mentioned before, dealing with a person with NPD can be very confusing and quite devastating to say the least. The effects are magnified all the more when you cannot understand where this behavior stems from. You will always think you are the problem when in reality, you may be the only sane one in the relationship. Knowing who you are dealing with can give you the peace of mind/closure you need to move on from this toxic type of relationship. My greatest piece of advice I can give to anyone in this situation is to always listen to your gut and escape the relationship before you get further entangled in a perpetual cycle of abuse.
Very interesting post, thank you. It reassures me that my hubby is pretty fantastic 🙂
Good to hear Brittany! I wouldn’t wish a narcissist on my worst enemy.
I dated a narcissist for a long time, and he was everything you described. I’m glad I got out of that relationship I felt suffocated. Great post is really informative! Shared.
Claudia, glad to hear you escaped the narcissist. It’s very hard to wrap your mind around what’s going on while you’re in the midst of your relationship with someone with NPD. That’s why I think it’s so important to be able to recognize the signs. Once you have clarity, you can move on with closure. Thanks for your comment!
Goodness sakes, thats one of my ex boyfriends to a tee. These people don’t learn because they don’t see anything wrong with what they’re doing. And oftentimes getting therapy just turns them into better, “sneakier” abusers!
Thanks for sharing your story, Simone! I’ve been through the same thing, and I’m determined to prevent other women and girls from going through the same.
All the power to you, Babe! ✌🏼
Thanks for commenting Seanna! It’s nice to know that someone else knows where I’m coming from. You’re right. They never learn and nothing is ever their fault according to them (smh). Unfortunately, I found out about my ex’s NPD after it was too late and I had already had a child by him. Hopefully my story will help others, just like you seek to do as well, to prevent this from happening to someone else.
This was really interesting for me to read – it isn’t my husband that is the potential narcissist, but rather his mom. She came to live with us when she was diagnosed with cancer. She lived with us for 10 months, and by the end she had me so wound up in knots that I was having panic attacks when I drove into my driveway. I had never experienced manipulation like that before, and I fell head long into every one of her traps! Thank-you for sharing your story. Take care.
Thanks for reading Nicole. Yes, narcissists are in the business of manipulation. They take advantage of a situation to the fullest and will have you in another dimension it seems, trying to please them. You really have to set boundaries and take care of your health because they WILL drain all the life out of you if you let them. That’s why I suggest staying as far away as possible if you can for your sanity!