Introducing the “Yet She Still Smiles” Blog Series
Welcome to the “Yet She Still Smiles” blog series. This series is one that is very special to me as I feel it will spark conversations that will encourage and empower women to speak their truth and grow from sharing it with others.
What started out as a t-shirt design, is now in the process of evolving into a conversation piece that I hope will bring women of different backgrounds and experiences together, with our stories of triumph bonding us.
This series will mostly be interview style with blog guests sharing a summary of their testimony and answering questions surrounding the obstacles that have faced and overcome.
We have so many beautiful testimonies that need to be heard/spoken and I believe that speaking about our struggles helps us on our journey to becoming healed and whole.
I thought I would kick off this series with telling *my* “Yet She Still Smiles” testimony and give you all some background on how this t-shirt design was birthed.
My “Yet She Still Smiles” Testimony: From Single Woman to Single Mother
My last serious relationship was a toxic one to say the least. It was one that left me broken, extremely hurt and confused. Never had I felt so isolated and alone in a relationship, but I had managed to allow my ex to make me feel just that.
I was 21 years old at the time I met him and in retrospect, the relationship was rocky from the beginning. After we met, my life would take a turn for the worse. In this relationship, I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid that one wrong move would cause yet another argument that would leave me uncertain of the status of our relationship. Tears became the most common form of expression of the sadness I felt during this time and seemed to take on a bi-weekly schedule. I remember my mother saying that this was the most she had ever seen me cry in a relationship, and she was right.
I noticed the longer I stayed in that relationship, the further away I was moving from the person I truly was. I was becoming insecure, anxious, angry, rude, distant, and rebellious. In this relationship, I made a series of unwise choices, one of those being one that would lead me to becoming a mother before I had planned–a single mother at that.
I tolerated cheating, name calling, jealous behavior, and other acts of disrespect on various levels all in the name of “making it work”. I prided myself on exhausting all of my options of reconciliation for the simple fact that I did not want to fail! I didn’t want to be the reason our relationship didn’t survive. I wanted to be able to say with certainty that I truly gave my best effort in order to make our relationship work.
Yet, the more I tolerated, the more I was challenged. Even when it got to the point where things started to get physical, I forgave him. I even accepted a marriage proposal from him! (what was I thinking?!) I was constantly off balance because nothing in this relationship was ever consistent besides the toxicity. Like I said earlier, we would be good for awhile and then 2 weeks later, like clockwork, he would find something else to be dissatisfied about. This relationship was taking such an emotional toll on me. I had stopped going to church and even cut off good friends of mine for the sake of trying to salvage our relationship.
Nothing worked. No amount of compromising was ever enough to appease him. When I wasn’t being compared to his ex, I was being told in some other way that I wasn’t meeting his standards. I wasn’t girly enough, I should wear more dresses, I should wear my hair a certain way, or I should try to be sexier. I was constantly trying to solve the mystery of why I wasn’t good enough to make my relationship a success. I couldn’t find the answer. The scale of his approval of me was constantly moving, which made it impossible for me to ever be enough. All I wanted was to be ENOUGH!
After I found out I was pregnant, I knew something had to change. I didn’t want my child to be surrounded by the toxicity that was all too commonplace in our relationship. Around this time, things started to become more physical in nature, so before a pattern of violence could be established, I decided to break off the relationship/engagement. I was tired of the lies, the hypocrisy, and the disrespect. Being a single mother with PEACE sounded better than being in a relationship in PIECES, so I decided that being a single mother was the better option for me and my son. I have been a single mother ever since and do not regret my decision for one second.
I was at a place in my healing journey where I was seeking peace and clarity from the aftermath of the relationship, so I started to do some self-reflection. Was I the problem like he said I was? I considered the part I had to play, but still wasn’t convinced that this was something I had brought upon myself.
In my search for answers, I discovered that I had been dealing with a narcissist. I had never really known much about narcissism until then, but boy did it make sense after I dug deeper. Reading about a person with this diagnosis helped me see the truth behind why I was so broken and confused. I now had the answers to explain my feelings of inadequacy, hurt, and abandonment.
I was dating someone with a personality disorder that derails both the person living with the disorder and their partner. Many people on the outside looking in are ignorant to what narcissism truly is and brush if off as just someone who is self-absorbed. But it goes way deeper than that!
I know from experience that people with this disorder have no concept of boundaries and will violate every safe place or safe guard you have in place. Narcissists feel like your sole purpose in life is to serve them, and please them. Their only motive for treating you decently is to drain you of everything you have in order to fill their permanent void.
It wasn’t until this moment of discovery that I was able to start truly healing from everything I had experienced. I was now armed with the information that gave an explanation to my pain. Little by little, and definitely with the help of God, I was able to pick up the pieces of myself that this relationship had shattered/scattered.
I found resources that spoke about narcissism from psychology websites to social media platforms, to even blog posts written by a self-proclaimed narcissist! I surrounded myself with others who understood where I was on my journey and who could relate to my story. I gained confidence by listening to others who were on the other side of their healing and who were helping others to get there.
I started going back to church, attending Bible study and Sunday school, surrounding myself with a circle of influence that was uplifting and positive. I reached out to those friends I had cut off during that relationship seeking reconciliation. I asked my friends for forgiveness and apologized for my behavior toward them. I started slowly mending what I had broken.
I even made a 3-page bullet pointed list of the things I could do to improve myself and grow as a person. All of these things I did led me to becoming much stronger than I was while in that toxic environment.
I can now say I am healed and whole from this experience and I am now seeking to use this experience and all that comes with being a single mother to help others on their journey.
How did the “Yet She Still Smiles” design come about?
A good friend of mine who knows my story in *way* more detail than I went into here, came to visit me. We were hanging out before they left to go back to their home state. They, in reflection upon the things they knew that I had experienced, applauded me for still being the same positive, bubbly, “smiley” person they knew from so many years back. My experience hadn’t broken me like it could have or like they had seen it do to others. The day of this conversation was the day that the “Yet She Still Smiles” design was birthed from.
Thank you to all of you who have supported/ will support me in purchasing this T-shirt design that is near and dear to my heart. I truly believe in the power of our testimonies and sincerely hope that my testimony and testimonies to come will inspire you on your journey toward healing and helping others in their healing journey.
Please stay tuned for future “Yet She Still Smiles” testimonies!